People that refuse to apologise – well, here’s why

By-Monalisa Gogoi

Are they simply stubborn? Is there anything in their psyche that prevents them from accepting responsibility for their acts and just saying they’re sorry?

To be sure, even the most careful among us fail to apologize at times. When this occurs, it is typically due to one of two reasons: (1) We don’t care enough about the other person or the relationship to go through the emotional pain of admitting and apologizing for our error; or (2) We feel our apologies will be in vain.

People who are unable to apologize look to be tough individuals who will not back down. But it’s not because they’re powerful that they do this; it’s because they’re weak.

But what about those who, no matter what, will never confess to making a mistake? What makes people incapable of apologizing even when they are clearly at fault? Admitting fault and making an apology is too psychologically stressful for these folks. Offering an apology indicates that they have in some way injured another person, which might trigger emotions of shame. People who can’t apologize frequently have so low self-esteem that their fragile egos can’t take the pain of acknowledging they were wrong.

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As a result, their defensive systems kick in — sometimes unintentionally — and they may externalize any responsibility and even dispute fundamental facts in order to avoid having to humble themselves by apologizing. Non-apologizers might feel empowered rather than reduced when they double down on their wrongdoing by blaming circumstances, rejecting facts, or assaulting the other person or persons involved.

Unfortunately, many of us misinterpret these people’s defensiveness as a sign of psychological strength. That’s because they look to be tough people who refuse to back down. But it’s not because they’re powerful that they do this; it’s because they’re weak. Admitting we’re incorrect is emotionally uncomfortable and hurtful to our sense of self, according to psychology. To accept responsibility and apologize, our self-esteem must be high enough to withstand the suffering. Indeed, if our self-esteem is higher and more solid, we can bear the brief ding that such admission entails — without our ego’s defenses collapsing.

When confronted with someone who is incapable of apologizing, we frequently feel enraged and attempt to win our fight with them. But the unfortunate fact is that we will never win.

When confronted with someone who is consistently incapable of apologizing, we frequently feel enraged (with good reason, of course) and try to win our fight with them (because we’re right!).

But the sad and disappointing fact is that we will never be victorious. Even if we showed that they were wrong in stark, unarguable facts, they will either reject those unarguable facts or shift to a personal attack, such as “Why do you always make things difficult and unpleasant?!?”